I invite you to email firstname.lastname@example.org with your favourite quotations about love, sex, marriage, divorce etc. if they’re not on the following list. Enjoy:
Passion, sexual passion, may lead to marriage, but cannot sustain marriage. The purpose of marriage is the raising of children, for which patience, not passion, is the necessary foundation.
Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. Last Chance to See.
‘Mrs Merton’ to Debbie McGee: ‘But what first, Debbie, attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels?’ The Mrs Merton Show
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it’s one of the best.
There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
My wife was an immature woman . . . I would be home in the bathroom, taking a bath, and my wife would walk in whenever she felt like it and sink my boats.
Alcestis had exercised a mysterious attraction and then an unmysterious repulsion on two former husbands, the second of whom had to resort to fatal coronary disease to get away from her.
His divorce had been so vicious even his lawyers had panicked. Yellow Dog
After a while marriage is a sibling relationship, marked by occasional, rather regrettable, episodes of incest.
Lady Astor: If you were my husband, Winston, I’d put poison in your tea.
Winston Churchill: If you were my wife, Nancy, I’d drink it.
Nancy, Lady Astor
I married beneath me. All women do.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. However little known the feelings or views of such a man on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters. Pride and Prejudice
There is not one in a hundred of either sex who is not taken in when they marry. Look where I will, I see that it is so; and I feel that it must be so, when I consider that it is, of all transactions, the one in which people expect most from others, and are least honest themselves. Mansfield Park
Whatever you do, keep clear of thin women. They’re trouble. A Small Family Business
Spouses are impediments to great enterprises.
Honoré de Balzac
Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity.
No man has ever yet discovered the way to give friendly advice to any woman, not even to his own wife. Petite misères de la vie conjugales
I thought I told you to wait in the car. (Greeting an ex-lover after several years)
Love is just a system for getting someone to call you darling after sex. Talking It Over
A man explained inflation to his wife thus: ‘When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you’re 42-42-42. There’s more of you, but you are not worth as much.’
Husbands think we should know where everything is – like the uterus is a tracking device. He asks me, ‘Roseanne, do we have any Cheetos left?’ Like he can’t go over to that sofa cushion and lift it himself.
My husband complained to me. He said, ‘I can’t remember when we last had sex.’ And I said, ‘Well I can, and that’s why we ain’t doing it.’
Love… the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
People keep asking me if I’ll marry again. It’s as if after you’ve had one car crash you want another.
My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties.
I’ve a definite sense of spirituality. I want Brooklyn to be christened, but don’t know into what religion yet. Daily Mail, 5 September 2002
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Never marry a man who hates his mother, because he’ll end up hating you.
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do for a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
Clare Boothe Luce
It is ridiculous to think you can spend your entire life with just one person. Three is about the right number. Yes, I imagine three husbands would do it.
It is so far from being natural for a man and woman to live in a state of marriage, that we find all the motives which they have for remaining in that connection, and the restraints which civilised society imposes to prevent separation, are hardly sufficient to keep them together. Life of Samuel Johnson
Dr Karl Bowman
Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Marriage is the most advanced form of warfare in the modern world.
The whole point of marriage is to stop you getting anywhere near real life. You think it’s a great struggle with the mystery of being. It’s more like being smothered in warm cocoa. There’s sex, but it’s not what you think. Marvellous, for the first fortnight. Then every Wednesday. If there isn’t a good late-night concert on the Third. Meanwhile you become a biological functionary. An agent of the great female womb, spawning away, dumping its goods in your lap for succour. Daddy, daddy, we’re here, and we’re expensive.
James Branch Cabell
People marry for a variety of reasons, and with varying results; but to marry for love is to invite inevitable tragedy.
I love it when my period comes round. I can really be myself again.
My ex-boyfriend came round last night which was a bit weird, because I didn’t even know he was in a coma.
Sex, on the whole, was meant to be short, nasty and brutish. If what you want is cuddling, you should buy a puppy. Sex and Sensibility
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four. (Letter of 21 November 1884)
Thunderin’ Paul Carrington
Why are we having such an enjoyable time? Easy. Not having wives or girlfriends telling us what to do! Two Men in a Car (a businessman, a chauffeur, and their holidays in France)
It’s only adultery if you get caught!
You know what the difference is between a wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
It was a blonde, a blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window. Farewell, My Lovely
John Ratzenberger and Kelsey Grammar, Cheers
Cliff Clavin: How’s married life treating ya? Quite a change, huh?
Frasier Crane: Well, Lilith and I did live together for a year before we wed, so other than the fact that I now see it stretching endlessly before me until I die rotting in the grave, there’s no real difference.
Ted Danson and Shelley Long, Cheers
Sam Malone: You know . . . you know I always wanted to pop you one? Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?
Diane Chambers: You disgust me. I hate you.
Sam: Are you as turned on as I am?
The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable. (On sex)
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
My wife and I were married in a toilet. It was a marriage of convenience.
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
I’d marry again if I found a man who had 15 million dollars and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage, and guarantee that he’d be dead within a year.
I should never have married, but I didn’t want to live without a man. Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.
Love and marriage is like a horse and carriage; obsolete for a hundred years.
The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character.
I have always though that every woman should marry, and no man. Lothair
It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
Mamie van Doren
I’ve married a few people I shouldn’t have, but haven’t we all?
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The husband was a teetotaller, there was no other woman, and the conduct complained of was that he had drifted into the habit of winding up every meal by taking out his false teeth and hurling them at his wife. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
They say marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
I would not marry God. (In a telegram denying rumours of her marriage)
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.
Marriage is a tyranny, a mortification of man’s natural instincts. Man needs a multiplicity of relationships.
I will not sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance, complete without boyfriend, as best way to obtain boyfriend. Bridget Jones’s Diary
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. ‘Tis the one thing I’m indebted to her for. Never Give a Sucker an Even Break
Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
Sex was for men. Marriage, like lifeboats, was for women and children.
Here’s how men think. Sex, work – and those are reversible, depending on age – sex, work, food, sports and lastly, begrudgingly, relationships. And here’s how women think. Relationships, relationships, relationships, work, sex, shopping, weight, food. Surrender the Pink
David Hyde Pierce and Peri Gilpin, Frasier
Niles Crane: Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
Roz Doyle: Oh, please. I’m already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.
Niles Crane (David Hyde Pierce), Frasier
How strange. I usually get some sign that Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping from the walls.
I support gay marriage because I believe they have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s the wife who can’t cook and will.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
He taught me housekeeping; when we divorce I keep the house.
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
I never hated a man enough to give him back his diamonds.
A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.
I cannot see myself as a wife. Ugly word.
Your wife and I didn’t hit it off the only time I ever saw her. I won’t say she was silly, but I think one of us was silly, and it wasn’t me. Wives and Daughters
If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.
By god, DH Lawrence was right when he said there must be a dumb, dark, dull, bitter belly-tension between a man and a woman, and how else could this be achieved save in the long monotony of marriage? Cold Comfort Farm
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing. A confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
Women are frightening. If you get to forty as a man, you’re quite battle-scarred.
Women’s liberation, if it abolishes the patriarchal family, will abolish a necessary substructure of the authoritarian state, and once that withers away Marx will have come true willy-nilly, so let’s get on with it.
Women say they want a man who knows what a woman’s worth. That’s a pimp.
Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you’re not allowed to see your friends anymore.
Pitt the Younger was a great British Prime Minister. He saved Europe from Napoleon, he was the pilot who weathered the storm. I don’t know whether he’d have done it any better or quicker had he been married.
In a few years, no doubt, marriage licences will be sold like dog licences, good for 12 months. Brave New World
Man is polygamous.
Oxford Book of Marriage
Men and women. Women and men. It will never work.
Only choose in marriage a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man.
Seldom or never does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly and without crisis. There is no birth of consciousness without pain.
Any woman who still thinks marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition is only proving that she doesn’t understand either men or percentages.
I’m against gay marriage. I think marriage is a sacred union between a man and a pregnant woman.
I love being married. I was single for a long time and I just got sick of finishing my own sentences.
My wife has a black belt in body language. Jim Giraffe
Giuseppe de Lampedusa
Love. Of course, love. Flames for a year, ashes for thirty. The Leopard
The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for supper and she’s already left a note in the refrigerator.
Not all women give most of their waking thoughts to the problem of pleasing men. Some are married.
We do not squabble, fight or have rows. We collect grudges. We’re in an arms race, storing up warheads for the domestic Armageddon.
Children need love and discipline. They need mothers and fathers. A welfare check is not a husband. The state is not a father. See, I Told You So
Women do not find it difficult nowadays to behave like men, but they often find it extremely difficult to behave like gentlemen. Literature in My Time
Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whisky makes it go round twice as fast. Whisky Galore
I’m glad I’m not bisexual. I couldn’t stand being rejected by men as well as by women.
Marie, Countess of Champagne
We declare that love cannot exist between two people who are married to each other. For lovers give to each other freely, under no compulsion; married people are in duty bound to give in to each other’s desires.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.
I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.
W Somerset Maugham
No married man’s ever made up his mind until he’s heard what his wife has got to say about it. Sheppey
Dullness is the first requisite of a good husband. Lady Frederick
Wife: Mr Watt next door blows his wife a kiss every morning as he leaves the house. I wish you’d do that.
Husband: But I hardly know the woman!
My wife’s the ugliest woman in the world – I’d sooner take her with me on tour, than kiss her goodbye.
My wife’s father said if you marry my daughter I’ll give you three acres and a cow. I’m still waiting for the three acres.
We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.
I would like to be like my father and all the rest of my ancestors who never married.
Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.
Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
I have never had any great esteem for the generality of the fair sex, and my only consolation for being of that gender has been the assurance it gave me of never being married to anyone amongst them. (Letter to Mrs Calthorpe, 7 December 1723)
Michel de Montaigne
A good marriage, if there is such a thing, rejects the company and conditions of love. It tries to imitate those of friendship.
Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise
Ernie: But I thought you said she had a million-dollar figure?
Eric: She has, but it’s all in loose change.
[Eric of his wife] I’m not saying she’s fat but we’ve been married for six years, and I still haven’t seen all of her.
Eric: She’s a lovely girl… I’d like to marry her, but her family objects.
Ernie: Her family?
Eric: Yes, her husband and four kids.
I suppose true sexual equality will come when a general called Anthea is found having an unwise lunch with a young, unreliable model from Spain. The Spectator, 26 March 1994
It’s very slow. My favourite position is called ‘The Plumber’. You stay in all day, but nobody comes. (On Tantric sex)
It has been said that a bride’s attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Upon My Word!
One doesn’t have to get anywhere in a marriage. It’s not a public conveyance. A Severed Head
Marriage is punishment for shoplifting, in some countries.
If married couples did not live together, happy marriages would be more frequent.
At the beginning of a marriage ask yourself whether this woman will be interesting to talk to from now until old age. Everything else in marriage is transitory: most of the time is spent in conversation.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, especially in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition. Diary, 25 December 1665
Women: you can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi uniform and beat you with a warm squash.
Love is a reciprocity of soul and has a different end and obeys different laws from marriage. Hence one should not take the loved one to wife.
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.
My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
There are some good marriages, but practically no delightful ones.
Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.
There’s only one problem with wife swapping. You get another wife.
Adela Rogers St John
I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.
There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
Denis de Rougemont
Passion and marriage are essentially irreconcilable. Their origins and their ends make them mutually exclusive. Their co-existence in our midst constantly raises insoluble problems, and the strife thereby engendered constitutes a persistent danger for every one of our social safeguards.
Marriage is the only thing that affords a woman the pleasure of company and the perfect sensation of solitude at the same time. Personally Speaking
A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted. A Guide to Men
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar – a practice which is still continued.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd.; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible. Marriage and Morals
In all affairs it’s a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted. The Problems of Philosophy
Marriage? It’s like asparagus eaten with vinaigrette or hollandaise, a matter of taste but no importance.
Hell is other people. Huis Clos
In our part of the world where monogamy is the rule, to marry means to halve one’s rights and double one’s duties.
A young man married is a man that’s marred. All’s Well that Ends Well
George Bernard Shaw
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
What God hath joined together no man shall put asunder: God will take care of that.
Changeable women are more endurable than monotonous ones. They are sometimes murdered but seldom deserted.
It is most unwise for people in love to marry.
A married man is a man with a past, while a bachelor is a man with a future.
The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me. The Philanderer
The ideal love affair should be conducted by post.
Those who talk most about the blessings of marriage and the constancy of its vows are the very ones who declare that if the chain were broken and the prisoners were left free to choose, the whole social fabric would fly asunder. You can’t have the argument both ways. If the prisoner is happy, why lock him in? If he isn’t, why pretend that he is? Man and Superman
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. Preface to The Doctor’s Dilemma
Even under the best of circumstances men are hard creatures to trap. Women who flatter themselves into thinking they’ve trapped one are like people who believe they can get rid of the cockroaches in their kitchen. They’re in for a big surprise late one night when they turn on the light.
Percy Bysshe Shelley
A system could not well have been devised more studiously hostile to human happiness than marriage. (Notes to ‘Queen Mab’)
Nothing anybody tells you about marriage helps.
Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples. Barefoot in the Park
Marge Simpson: Homer, is this how you pictured marriage?
Homer Simpson: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van and solved mysteries.
For millions of years, we men have been able to get away with being useless fathers, doing nothing around the house, and being terrible in bed. Now we’re expected to be brilliant at all those things. It’s so unfair.
I’d like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night.
Women: you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them. That’s probably why you can rent one for the evening.
We are becoming the men we wanted to marry. Ms
I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
The most memorable is always the current one. The rest just merge into a sea of blondes. (On wives)
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. (Speech to the Married Women’s Association, 14 July 1960)
Venus, a beautiful, good-natured lady, was the goddess of love; Juno, a terrible shrew, the goddess of marriage: and they were always mortal enemies.
William Makepeace Thackeray
This I set down as a positive truth. A woman with fair opportunities and without a positive hump, may marry whom she likes. Vanity Fair
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Marriage is part of a sort of 50’s revival package that’s back in vogue along with neckties and naked ambition.
There is no road to wealth so easy and respectable as that of matrimony. Doctor Thorne
Shirley Valentine-Bradshaw (Pauline Collins)
You can’t bring logic into this. We’re taking about marriage. Marriage is like the Middle East. There’s no solution. Shirley Valentine
Marriage – yes, it is the supreme felicity of life. I concede it. And it is also the supreme tragedy of life. The deeper the love, the surer the tragedy.
When once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her body. The Relapse
I feel sure that no girl could go to the altar, and would probably refuse, if she knew all.
The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to join in checking this mad, wicked folly of ‘Woman’s Rights’, with all its attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every sense of womanly feeling and propriety. (Letter to Theodore Martin of 29 May 1870)
Take it from me, marriage isn’t a word. It’s a sentence.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
Artemus Ward, Artemus Ward
He is dreadfully married. He’s the most married man I ever saw in my life. Artemus Ward’s Lecture
Natalie had left the wives and joined the women. Heart of the Country
What makes women happy? Nothing, for more than ten minutes at a time, so stop worrying. What Makes Women Happy
Interviewer: Aren’t you forgetting you’re married?
Mae West: Hmmm – I’m doing my best.
Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.
Jack McFarland (Sean Hayes), Will and Grace
Women: you can’t live with them . . . end of sentence.
Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Women’s styles may change but their designs remain the same.
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
Unable obtain bidet. Suggest handstand in shower.
(Cabled response to his wife’s cabled complaint from Paris just after the Second World War, that her accommodation didn’t have a bidet, and could he arrange to have one sent to her?)
In Hollywood, all the marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.
I did a picture in England one winter and it was so cold I almost got married.
I was in rare fettle and the heart had touched a new high. I don’t know anything that braces one up like finding you haven’t got to get married after all. Jeeves in the Offing
Chumps always make the best husbands. When you marry, Sally, grab a chump. Tap his forehead first, and if it rings solid, don’t hesitate. All the unhappy marriages come from the husbands having brains. The Adventures of Sally
She fitted into my biggest armchair as if it had been built around her by someone who knew they were wearing armchairs tight about the hips that season. My Man Jeeves
‘You’re too young to marry,’ said Mr McKinnon, a stout bachelor.
‘So was Methuselah,’ said James, a stouter.
Meet Mr Mulliner
For the first time since sudden love had thrown them into each other’s arms, she had found herself beginning to wonder if her Blair was quite the godlike superman she had supposed. There even flashed through her mind a sinister speculation as to whether, when you came right down to it, he wasn’t something of a pill. Hot Water
I can honestly say that I always look on Pauline as one of the nicest girls I was engaged to. Thank You, Jeeves
As a rule, when he fell in love at first sight, his primary impulse was a desire to reach out for the adored object and start handling her like a sack of coals, but the love which this girl inspired in him was a tender, chivalrous love. Uncle Fred in the Springtime
A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down – and a woman is designed to say, ‘you took your time’ when he comes back dripping wet.
He had been building one of those piles of thought, as ramshackle and fantastic as a Chinese pagoda, half from words let fall by gentlemen in gaiters, half from the litter in his own mind, about duck shooting and legal history, about the Roman occupation of Lincoln and the relations of country gentlemen with their wives, when, from all this disconnected rambling, there suddenly formed itself in his mind the idea that he would ask Mary to marry him.
So that is marriage, Lily thought, a man and a woman looking at a girl throwing a ball. To the Lighthouse
I have certainly seen more men destroyed by the desire to have a wife and child and to keep them in comfort than I have seen destroyed by drink or harlots.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
My wife lost all her credit cards, but I’m not going to report it. Whoever found them is spending less than she did.
Take my wife – please!
I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.